Have you noticed how certain women seem to have all the luck with men? They don’t really seem to do anything, and people are just drawn to them. And this has nothing to do with looks. Some people just have that certain something, the je ne sais quoi. And these qualities help them succeed in their relationships but carry over into their lives as well.
So, what is it? What is it that makes someone so effortlessly alluring? What is it that makes a man want to pursue a woman and even commit to her?
Let’s break it down.
1. Being totally happy on your own.
Being desperate for a relationship is not what’s going to get you a relationship. If anything, it actually repels guys.
It’s fine to want to be in a relationship, that is normal, we’re humans and connection is a fundamental need. But it becomes a problem when you attach things to having a relationship. Meaning, you think you won’t feel happy or confident or healed or comfortable in your own skin, etc. until you have a boyfriend.
When you do this, you are basically ignoring your issues and what you need to face. You’re falling into the as-soon-as trap. And it’s an easy trap to fall into! I’ll be happy as soon as I have X amount of money in the bank… as soon as I lose 10 pounds… as soon as I land my dream job… as soon as I have X amount of followers on social media. But happiness does not from as soon as. You can’t place conditions on your happiness.
You have to accept where you are in life. If you’re single, then embrace it! Trust me, when that single season is done, it’s gone, and you will never get it back and you will miss it someday. So embrace it.
If you can embrace your life and love it for what it is right now, you will be so alluring and so attractive.
Before I started dating my husband, I was in love with being single. And this came after years of hating my single status and being ashamed of it. But I decided to do things differently. I decided to just enjoy it and embrace it. When my husband came into the picture, I was very excited (we actually had dated in high school and I never fully got over him, so I was thrilled he wanted to give it another shot!), but I’ll admit… I was a little sad about losing that single life!
And because I loved my life so much, it made him even more drawn to me and he really just wanted to be a part of it. And it wasn’t just him, I don’t think I’ve ever attracted as many men as I did during the phase when I was thoroughly in love with being single!
2. You put yourself first.
In the early phases, please be a little selfish and put yourself first. I’m telling you this because this isn’t what most women do. Most women prioritize the guy- they prioritize his wants, his needs, and his feelings.
We spend so much time focusing on how he feels and what he wants that our own wants and needs get totally lost. And this isn’t appealing.
Do not put the guy on a pedestal and try to be everything you think he wants, trying to prove that you’re perfect together or that he made the right choice by dating you.
Once you and he are in a more secure, established place, then you can invest a little more and make those compromises that make for a healthy relationship. But that comes later. In the beginning, you are not proving your worth to him.
You are just operating from a place of knowing your worth, of feeling secure within yourself. Don’t dwell on questions like: does he like me? And instead, consider: “Do I like him? Is he worthy of me?”
3. Have boundaries!
When you like a guy and want to get him to like you, your natural instinct may be to act as accommodating as possible. If he wants you to drive over to his house at 11 pm, you will. If he waits until the last minute to set up plans, you don’t say anything because you want to seem cool and laid back.
This is not sexy, high-value behavior!
A man might keep a woman like this around for a while because she makes things easy and convenient for him, but this is not the kind of woman he becomes seriously interested in. This is a woman he takes for granted, not the kind of woman he treats as a priority.
This is the kind of woman who ends up blindsided when he suddenly leaves her for someone else.
Boundaries are sexy. Knowing what you deserve and not accepting less is sexy. This is what gets a man to step up and bring his A-game to win you over. And when he puts in the effort, then he comes to invest and comes to really care about you.
Don’t be afraid to draw your line in the sand. If you’re scared that doing so will push him away, then he was never that interested in the first place, and you just saved yourself from wasting more time!
4. Express your needs.
OK, so this is something that happens a lot. I get messages all the time along the lines of: “My boyfriend said this and that. What does he mean?”, “Why hasn’t he introduced me to his friends yet?”, or “We’ve been on 3 dates already and he hasn’t kissed me yet!”
My reply to these questions is usually, “Well, have you asked him?” And the response is, well no… I haven’t even thought of that.
These women are literally paying me, a dating coach they found through social media, to find out what’s going on in their relationships rather than just asking the guy! Now I appreciate the business, but all they really needed to do was ask him!
I get where that hesitation comes from. We’ve been so conditioned to be afraid of looking needy or desperate that we just don’t express our needs or feelings at all. But doing this… is being desperate and needy, the two things you were trying to avoid!
It is very appealing and sexy to know what you want and express your needs. Confident, high-value people aren’t afraid to put themselves out there and express what they want.
5. Don’t give yourself away right away.
I’m not talking about sex, although I have a different article addressing that, I’m talking about your emotional self.
You don’t need to put everything out there right on the table. A lot of women feel like they have to show all their cards upfront. She needs to show him that she’s smart and funny and educated and a good friend and a good cook and on and on because if she doesn’t tell him… how will he know?
He’ll know because he’ll find out eventually! It is important to hold yourself back just a touch, to leave a little bit of mystery. I write these words with such caution because there has been such a backlash against “playing games” in recent years (and rightfully so), but this isn’t a game. It’s just the art of attraction and seduction.
It all just essentially comes down to being a high-value woman. That’s why “games” can be so effective at luring a guy in… they create the illusion of confidence. But it’s just an illusion! You can’t keep up the ruse forever, eventually, your real self is going to come out.
I don’t want you to pretend to be a confident, high-value woman, I want you to be one. And this kind of woman does not put on a whole song and dance to impress a man. She can keep herself back a little until he has earned the privilege of peeling back a few more layers to learn more about the real her.